Some say that the most unusual thing about Dirt Bike Baby is his dirt bike. Others say it’s his babiness. The closest answer is that it’s some combination of the two.

Dirt Bike Baby spends his mornings driving off into the sunset. His favorite color is anger, and his favorite emotion is gasoline. When he walks, people listen, and when he talks, people move out of the way. When Dirt Bike Baby was born, everyone died.

Dirt Bike Baby doesn’t go to school. He knows how a bill becomes a man. There are rumors that Dirt Bike Baby employs a body double, which he does, to pretend to be a normal baby. Occasionally, he’ll cry—tears of joy, at the wakes of his enemies.

Dirt Bike Baby never grows older—only meaner. Dirt Bike Baby can read, unlike most babies his age. He can also drive, steal, beat, burn, and brutalize. His town voted him best all-around. Dirt Bike Baby punched his town in the face for pandering.

Dirt Bike Baby kisses politicians on the forehead to remind them not to mess with him. His diapers wet themselves out of sheer terror. Once, someone tried to play peek-a-boo with Dirt Bike Baby. His eyes are shut for good.

They say that Dirt Bike Baby speaks to the Devil, to impart advice. Instead of a pacifier, Dirt Bike Baby sucks on a pistol and plays Russian roulette. He uses tummy time as a form of torture. Dirt Bike Baby has said many things. None of them are true, except for his lies.

Yet, deep down, Dirt Bike Baby is searching for love. He hopes that, one day, he’ll find it, and when he does, he’ll put a bullet in its head.

WELCOME TO ULTIMATE DEATH SHOWDOWN V! CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTER:

• PLAYER 1 SELECTS: SKULL-KRA (“Dare to fight? Dare to die!”)

• PLAYER 2 SELECTS: Representative Michael Roberson (“Hello. My name is Mich—”)

FIGHT!

• SKULL-KRA ATTACKS WITH LASER CHAIN

  • Representative Michael Roberson DEFENDS WITH HANDSHAKE

  • Representative Michael Roberson DIES

CUTSCENE:

• SKULL-KRA: “Puny mortal! You will burn in the pits of hell!”

• Representative Michael Roberson: “Unlike my opponent, I refuse to go negative, because this race is about you, the people of Ohi—”

SKIP

NEW GAME

• PLAYER 1 SELECTS: VIPRESS (“Don’t come too close—I bite!”)

• PLAYER 2 SELECTS: RANGER (“That whisky will be your last.”)

FIGHT!

• VIPRESS ATTACKS WITH MEDUSA FLARE

  • RANGER EVOLVES INTO Representative Michael Roberson

  • Representative Michael Roberson DEFENDS WITH Domestic Jobs Speech, Dayton Community Center, September 14th: “The most important industry in our country isn’t big tech, or finance. It’s coal. Because coal and the troops are the lifeblood of America. And what Washington needs is someone who knows coal like the back of his hard, callused, God-fearing right han—”

SETTINGS

DISABLE CHARACTER Representative Michael Roberson?

Representative Michael Roberson IS NOW THE SOLE PLAYABLE CHARACTER

UNDO

BLOCKED

CH-CHOOSE YO—FIGHT!

• Representative Michael Roberson ATTACKS WITH RESTRICTED IMMIGRATION 

  • Representative Michael Roberson DEFENDS WITH RESTRICTED IMMIGRATION

  • PROSPERITY ENSUES

  • HYPOCRITICAL LIBERALS FACE LANDSLIDE ELECTORAL DEFEAT

CUTSCENE: Representative Michael Roberson’s FINISHING MOVE:

• Outside the U.S. Capitol Building: Representative Michael Roberson: “So remember, everyone, get out there and cast your vote for Roberson, Friday, November 7th!”

• Representative Michael Roberson SLASHES Representative Michael Roberson’s TAXES

DELETE GAME

McCarthy: Wait! Don’t throw me in the fire! What if I told you that man there is a Communist?

Satan: Who, Stalin? I know he’s a Communist. There’s a ton of us here.

McCarthy: Us?

Satan: Yeah. There’s a reason everyone gets thrown in the same fire.

McCarthy: Oh, the pain! You really are the devil!

Marx: What do you mean? I’m Karl Marx. I was just making small talk with you.

McCarthy: Yes, and it is a torture worse than anything I’ve experienced!

Marx: Even worse than the impaling?

McCarthy: I didn’t hear anything about impaling.

Satan: Break’s over, lads! Drop your pants and line up. We only had enough money for one pole.

Satan: And then, I’m going to go to town on your balls with the hammer and sickle.

McCarthy: Okay, but how come Lenin and Mao get to sit in that jacuzzi over there?

Satan: Because. Those two are in the politburo. They’re exempt.

McCarthy: But…I thought you were all about equal treatment! Communism! What happened? 

Satan: C’mon, McCarthy. You should know. Communism never really works in practice.

We look great in this inauguration photo, Mr. President! Can you just do me a small favor and have the media guys edit out the bunny ears you’re doing behind my head?

—

Sir, the war is getting extre—woah, noogie monster, you got me!—but seriously, the death toll is astronomica—okay, it doesn’t work if I see you coming.

—

Yeah, boss, you’re right, you do look like a ninja! Could I have my tie back now though?

—

Nice one! Okay, maybe we should take those beer cans down from the roof and give the secret service guy his gun back now. No, please don’t tell him it was my idea.

—

Mmhmm sir… I’m a bit busy with this briefing—oh, I bet your form is great, I just can’t watch your push-ups right no—wow, okay, nice ones…alright, take care—oh, again?

—

Mr. President, my wife just received a bomb threat to our hous—ahh, you! Crazy guy! Please stop doing that, though.

—

You’re not going to get me to say anything. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Of course I’m not gay! Okay, okay, fine. That British chick is pretty hot. Anyways—so sorry we cut you off, Madam Prime Minister.

—

Thanks for the beer, sir. I know you like to bust my balls, but it’s cool that we can just hang out like this, as friends. Haha. Why are you laughing? Wait. No. No! You told me you didn’t piss in this one!

Typically, presidents near the end of their term are worried about how they’ll be remembered. I’m much more worried about finding my next job.

It’s my fault, really. I was dumb enough to take a position that had neither long-term security nor opportunities for advancement, and why? To network? My entire cabinet will also be out of a job after inauguration day.

The scary part is that presidential success has little bearing on post-presidential job prospects. In fact, 100% of people who don’t get elected president go on to do something else. The same can’t be said for men like FDR and JFK, and they were some of the finest to occupy the White House. At this rate, I’ll be on the street, wishing I hadn’t cut unemployment benefits so severely.

Picture this. I’m applying for a sales role at Walmart, and all the manager sees on my résumé is eight years in the highest office in the nation and zero retail experience. When she asks how I’d handle a difficult coworker, I recap the lessons from my nuclear standoff with Russia. “Sorry,” she says. “The right answer is to go to HR.” See how stupid I’d look?

Reporters ask me when I’ll bring the troops home. I tell them never, it’s hard enough finding work without extra competition. Though Congress writes hundreds of bills, they won’t write me one letter of recommendation. I’ve thought about going back to college, but I could never get in these days—I’m only the president of one organization.

Besides, in this recession I’m responsible for, it’ll be tough to be jobless when the aliens take over. Yes, you heard that correctly, the generals have told me that aliens are real and they’re coming, and when they arrive, I’ll be lying to people at parties about being an “entrepreneur.” Hopefully our extraterrestrial overlords will keep me on as a lab rat.

A foreign land. A jungle of death. A battle for the soul of Southeast Asia. In Call of Duty: 1969, you will experience none of these things as you assume the role of a young hippie living in San Francisco.

Feel the fire of the ‘60s firsthand as you light up joint after joint after joint and dance around various bonfires. Survive on nothing but locally-grown vegetables and a generous allowance from your parents, who, yeah, are well-off Republicans, but you’re not really down with their whole ethos. Annihilate intolerance.

Where in previous installments of the franchise you turned everyday objects into deadly weapons, in CoD: 1969, you’ll turn everyday objects into drums. You’ll navigate the map through a first-person pink-sunglasses perspective, and monitor the first health bar that tracks your in-game STD risk. Free love can be yours for $60.

Dive into multiplayer modes like Peaceful Protest, Jam Session, and Team Deathmatch, which has been revamped as an additional jam session. Buy the Denim Edition for exclusive access to virtual jeans. Immerse yourself in danger by hitchhiking with strangers to Woodstock. Go nuclear and officially drop out of college. Then quickly re-enroll to avoid the draft.

CoD: 1969 gives you the tools to live out your most violent fantasies, provided that your most violent fantasy is crafting flower crowns while on LSD.

Living in a small, isolated Communist nation definitely comes with some baggage. For instance, last week, my family received a week’s worth of bread, along with several imaginary toys. Awesome. The catch? Supreme Leader made me leave my family forever and move to the capital to become his chief nuclear scientist.

I don’t know much about being a chief nuclear scientist, partly because I’m a wheat farmer, but mostly because the last ten guys to have the job were executed. On the bright side, Supreme Leader thinks it’s a positive to have someone who’s not another “small stupid science man who insist on American lies like plutonium and funding.” He said he doesn’t care what I do as long as I “make bomb explode big, kaboom! Big, big kaboom!” He also said that he’d raze my family’s cottage if I don’t finish by Sunday. 

To catch up, I’ve tried doing some reading on nuclear physics, but I’ve discovered that I can’t read. I guess that’s what happens when Supreme Leader abolishes education before you’re born, y’know? Thankfully, my lab assistant is a PhD-holding nuclear physicist. Unfortunately, Supreme Leader sent him away to take care of the wheat farm while I stay here to work on this bomb. So, most of my “reading” thus far has just consisted of listening to recordings of Supreme Leader making explosion sounds with his mouth.

Sure, I know there’s a chance that I won’t be able to get the job done, and, yeah, that chance is 100%, but I’m more focused on the big picture: the giant one of Supreme Leader’s face on that wall over there. I think it’s watching me, which doesn’t make much sense because Supreme Leader is also here in the room watching me. 

But otherwise, it’s been great.

• They say that war never changes, but I had way more sex in Vietnam than in Iraq.

• The cool thing about war is that you can go number one in the draft even if you suck at basketball.

• My most dangerous weapon? My bare hands. I have charisma for hands.

• Everyone’s cool with calling the world wars WWI and WWII, yet my wife gets pissed when I call her WI.

• Everybody’s talking about war, but no one’s talking about my new album. My mom says it’s awesome.