Breaking Good is the story of a hardened meth cook who becomes a high school chemistry teacher.

Episode 1

Tired of the dope game, Garett Gray is drawn to teaching’s stable schedule and defined-benefit pension plan. In lieu of references, he provides a list of names, all of whom are dead. A terrified Principal Huggins hires Mr. Gray on the spot.

Episode 2

Despite the assistance of ten heavily-armed “teaching assistants,” Mr. Gray has trouble getting across to his students without bitch-slapping them. He also doesn’t know much about chemical compounds other than methamphetamine. The students ask Mr. Gray if he’s even read the textbook, to which he replies, “Never get high on your own supply.”

Episode 3

Mr. Gray catches two students smoking weed in the bathroom. He gives them the number of his ex-partner and tells them to try meth instead. Then he assigns the kids to detention for violating the school’s strict no-drug policy.

Episode 4

Mr. Gray’s bottom girl discovers he’s been teaching, threatening his side-gig as a pimp. He makes up for his loss in income by taking a JV coaching job, where he discovers that boys’ lacrosse is just like pimping, except that the hos are student-athletes and the sex is teamwork.

Episode 5

With the AP test coming up, Mr. Gray teaches the kids how to get a score of “clean” by sneaking in urine from a sober friend. No one in the class scores above the fifth percentile. 

Episode 6

Mr. Gray’s old rival, Chalk King, tracks him down and wastes him in the middle of class. He then fills in and becomes the best darn substitute Plainview High has ever seen.

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As a researcher, I know that it is unethical to experiment on humans without first administering the same treatment to animals. Thus, I am applying this principle to my dating life.

Trial 1 - Wild Brown Rat / Rattus Norvegicus (Bethany)

Asked the subject to a candlelit dinner, causing her to salivate intensely, a sign of either physical attraction or rabies. Throughout our meal, the subject repeatedly scurried onto and nibbled at my linguine, taking intermittent breaks to defecate on the tablecloth. Concluded that poor table manners are a definite turnoff.

Trial 2 - European Rabbit / Oryctolagus Cuniculus (Sarah)

Took the subject for a sunset stroll in the park, attempting unsuccessfully to hold hands. Though the subject displayed a significant disinterest in my questions about her favorite movies, she did display a strong interest in foraging for dead grass. At the conclusion of our walk, the subject suddenly birthed a litter of five bunnies from a previous relationship, and we politely parted ways after I explained that I am not yet ready to be a father.

Trial 3 - American Shorthair Cat / Felis Catus (Dave)

Had a lovely time, but the subject’s inability to arouse me sexually confirms that I am not bisexual.

Trial 4 - Beagle / Canis Lupus Familiaris (Bella)

Though petite, the subject was full of things to say, primarily barks. Split two entrées with the subject, a medium-well sirloin and a raw sirloin. Received positive signals from the subject, but was wary of competition from the golden retriever at the next table who vigorously checked out the subject’s ass.

Trial 5 - Chimpanzee / Pan Troglodytes (Lucy)

The subject loudly masturbated multiple times during our date, upsetting many of the children at the mini-golf course, and making me question whether I could ever be involved with someone so forward. Despite this, discovered that the subject and I have a lot in common, primarily 98.8% of our DNA. Considering a second trial.

Trial 6 - Girl Next Door / Homo Sapiens (Emily)

Evening progressed well until the subject mentioned her love of animals. Some differences are just irreconcilable.

• Okay, the fortune teller said that this doll will control Brock’s every move.

• Let’s give that bully a taste of his own medicine! How should we start? Atomic wedgie?

• I’ve got something better. Check this out.

• Yeah! Make him…sit?

• I’m having him study. We have a math test tomorrow, and Brock’s been struggling.

• What? No! I want to get back at him for all the times he’s stuffed us in the trash can.

• Trust me. A lot of Brock’s anger issues stem from his poor academic performance.

• C’mon man! Make him hurt. We spent all our lunch money on this doll!

• Fine. Can you hand me that bigger doll over there?

• Don’t tell me. This controls an even bigger bully who you’re gonna make beat Brock up!

• This is Brock’s father, Kenneth. He spends a lot of time at the office. It’s time they talked.

• Oh, yeah, because he’s abusive!

• No! Because Brock’s behavior clearly shows that he lacks a positive male role model.

• Can you still make the dad hit him?

• Look. There’s the real Brock over there. He’s talking to Kate.

• Kate? Like, my girlfriend Kate? Oh my god! They’re kissing! Stop making him do that!

• I’m not doing anything. This is all Brock. His self-esteem has skyrocketed.

• This is awful! Your stupid doll is ruining my life!

• Well, look at it like this: now he’ll be much too busy having sex with Kate to beat you up.

• Wait. He’s coming over here. Brock! Stay away from my gir—no! Not the trash can! No!

• Haha, sorry. That one was me. I just missed seeing that.

Hot Frankenstein is by far the hottest Frankenstein our matchmaking service has to offer. He’s like Frankenstein if he wasn’t made out of total uggos. His face pairs Audrey Hepburn’s eyes with Morgan Freeman’s freckles. His biceps are made out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face, and on his tattoo of Marilyn Monroe, he has Dennis Rodman. He’s got Julia Roberts’ boobs and Russell Crowe’s man boobs. What more could you ask for in a lover?

Well, maybe you’re looking for something deeper, in which case Sensitive Frankenstein might be right for you. His smile is twice as wide as the average person’s, and six times as toothy. We’ve tricked him out with a heart of solid gold, which has caused some severe blood flow issues. Maybe he takes you dancing, maybe you take him and switch up traditional Frankenstein-female gender roles. Every moment in your relationship with Sensitive Frankenstein is guaranteed to be lovely, since each is made up of lovely moments from other, dead people’s relationships.

But I’d get it if you wanted to skip romance altogether and jump to starting a family. I’d show you Child Frankenstein, but most people find him extremely upsetting. You hear that barking over there? That’s Cat Frankenstein. My assistant screwed up and gave him the wrong voicebox. It’s also cool if you want to go the inanimate route. People have been quite happy with our various Frankenstein sex toys made from rotting eggplants and cucumbers. I won’t drop any names, but a couple of local senators have been some of our most enthusiastic customers.

Hmm. No one’s ever asked me that before. I suppose we could set you up with someone who wasn’t a Frankenstein. But…why?

Mr. Smith: Now that you’ve cut through the epidermis, you should see the gallbladder.

Charlie: Is that this gold thing?

Mr. Smith: My heavens Charlie! That’s no gallbladder—that’s Wonka’s final golden ticket!

Charlie: I don’t get it. Where’s the gallbladder?

Mr. Smith: Damn the gallbladder Charlie! I’ll give you $100 for that ticket—nay, $1000!

Charlie: You can just have it. It has a lot of frog blood on it.

Mr. Smith: What fortune! But are you sure, Charlie? Do you truly know what it is you sacrifice?

Charlie: Yeah, chocolate factory, I know, I’m trying to lose weight. How did the ticket get in there?

Mr. Smith: I don’t know, maybe he ate it—do you mean to say you don’t eat chocolate, Charlie?

Charlie: But if he ate it, it’d be in his stomach. It wouldn’t, like, replace his gallbladder.

Mr. Smith: Listen, Charlie. Not everything you see can be explained by “science.” There are such things in this world as miracles, and you must learn to treasure them, for they come all too rarely! All. Too. Rarely. Now, boy, think! Do you really wish to give up your one golden ticket?

Charlie: Okay, I guess when you put it that way… I’ll keep it!

Mr. Smith: Too late! You already declined. Mr. Wonka despises indecision. I’ll send you a card from Candyland! Tee hee hee!

The Milgram shock experiment examined obedience by testing how willing subjects were to administer an electric shock to another person when instructed to by an authority figure. The Milgram shot experiment was similar, but differed in one crucial way.

Authority Figure: Shoot this man.

Test Subject: Okay.

Authority Figure: There’s no way you actually just did that.