Monday, March 30, 33

If Jesus is a miracle worker, then why is my project taking so long?

Jesus cannot walk on water just to build you a dock. Unless God really wants you to have a dock. And Jesus will know if God wants that, so do not try to lie about it because you will go to Hell. Likewise, despite requests from customers, Jesus lacks the ability to “snap his fingers and make a patio appear.” He can, however, make a patio appear by assembling one manually over the course of a business week, which is actually half the time Three Wise Men Carpentry takes. 

Do I have to tip Jesus’ posse? 

Peter, Andrew, Philip, Simon, John, Bartholomew, Thaddeus, Thomas, Matthew, James, James, and Judas are Jesus’ apostles and creative consultants. They do not physically assist Jesus because they are busy praying that he will complete your project at the high standard that Christ Carpentry is known for across the Greater Jerusalem area. They commune with Heaven so your home can look like it. Please tip unto them the amount you would have them tip unto you.

Jesus preaches, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Are his carpentry services free?

NO!

I am dying of leprosy. Can you please send Jesus to perform a miracle to save me? 

Contractually, the sole time during the week that Jesus is permitted to do anything other than carpentry is between 12:00 and 1:00 PM. That, however, is his lunch break, and the only miracle he likes to perform then is making himself a tasty sandwich. Thus, it would be blessed if you could wait until an evening or a weekend to contact Jesus for any miracle-related needs—unless your leprosy is really bothering you, in which case you still owe Jesus his hourly rate.

Is there anything that Jesus will not build?

Jesus is a vocal opponent of Roman rule. Nevertheless, that does not exempt him from honoring his commitment to Christ Carpentry, which is an apolitical business that relies on government contracts. For example, last week, Jesus fulfilled a request from the governor’s office to build a series of giant wooden crosses. Though he will not admit it, it is some of his finest work to date.