In Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals, Michael Jordan put on one of the most legendary performances in basketball history while suffering flu-like symptoms. He played so well, in fact, that he soon began to intentionally seek out other illnesses in hopes of improving his game.

Announcer: And there’s a classic taunt from Jordan, sticking his tongue out as he slams it home!

Co-Announcer: He’s really letting his opponents have it. Wagging that tongue right at them!

Announcer: Oh my. Is he trying to… lick them?

Co-Announcer: They’re pushing him away—but he just goes for the floor. God. So vigorous.

Announcer: Can we cut to commercial?

Agent: I’m sorry, Mike. There just aren’t any more Make-A-Wish kids who’ve asked to see you. You’ve visited them all.

Michael Jordan: Then I’ll visit them again! Especially the contagious ones!

Agent: That’s not how it works. You’re only allowed to visit them once.

Michael Jordan: How about you? How are you feeling? Your voice sounds a little scratchy.

Agent: C’mon, let’s talk about this later. Hey, you ever read that script for Space Jam: Baseball?

Michael Jordan: Cough on me!

Interviewer: You possess a relentless drive to be the best. What’s your advice to all those out there who want to “be like Mike?”

Michael Jordan: You gotta be willing to get your hands dirty. Put them in weird places. Toilets. Dirt. Never wash them, and touch your eyes often.

Interviewer: I—I meant more in a work-ethic sense.

Michael Jordan: Efficiency is also key. I eat all my meals at Chuck-E-Cheese. That kills two birds with one stone, since it maximizes your risk of both food poisoning and diabetes.

Wife: Alright, honeybun—where does my 5-time NBA champion want to go for vacation?

Michael Jordan: The Democratic Republic of the Congo. Haut-Katanga province.

Wife: That sounds, uh… lovely. They just opened a Sandals resort there, didn’t they?

Michael Jordan: I would be surprised. It’s a hotbed for malaria.

Wife: Oh.

Michael Jordan: Even if the malaria doesn’t take, they have a pretty big cholera problem, too.

Michael Jordan: So! Magic… weird question—

Magic Johnson: Don’t even think about it.

Wake up, fellas! The modern woman is sharp, bright, intelligent, and a genius. You’re a fool if you think that she’s going to be wooed by your vulgar and simplistic “yowza”s or “BOING YOING YOING”s. To win her heart, you’ll need to match her wits—cleverly. Thankfully, the art of smart seduction is one that can be learned. Just master any of the following lines, and watch the female Einsteins you desire swoon… with love:

• I’m in awe of your brain.

• Would your brain like to get drinks sometime?

• Let’s have a threesome… me, your brain, and your best friend.

• I’d really like to do your brain.

• Your brain has good boobs.

I am a science genius.

I know physics, chemistry, and biology’s definitions. My life is an experiment. My initials are DNA. My phone number is the periodic table. I wasn’t born in a test tube, but I plan to be buried in one.

I am a science genius.

I won the Nobel Prize for Best Actor. I avoid cold temperatures, so I don’t get hypothesis. When I defecate, it’s called chemical engineering. The laboratory is my playground, and I am not allowed within 500 yards of it.

I am a science genius.

I know how the storks who deliver babies can fly. I’m on trial for breaking the law of gravity. Magnetism is a figment of my imagination. I can make the sun, the moon, and the stars disappear simply by closing my eyes. The Bible is my lab report.

I am a science genius.

Explosions don’t work on me.

There are two famous John Taylors: one, the bassist for the 1980s new romantic band Duran Duran, the other, a prominent macroeconomist.

Mick Jagger: I’ve been told we have a legend in the crowd tonight. Get on up here, J.T.!

John Taylor, Bassist: Gosh, Mick, well, if I mus—

Mick Jagger: Psst! John! What are you doing? I was talking about J.T.

John Taylor, Economist: Make some noise if you want to learn about the Federal Reserve!

Crowd: (Goes wild)

John Taylor, Bassist: Simon! It’s been so long. What do you say we hang out tonight?

Simon Le Bon, Lead Singer of Duran Duran: Oh, hey John. I’ve got a, uh, thing, tonight.

John Taylor, Economist: (Honking horn) Let’s go, Simon! That cocaine isn’t going to do itself.

John Taylor, Bassist: Honey, I’m home! It turned out Simon was bus—my God!

Wife: I’m sorry, John. He just knows so much more about labor markets than you do.

John Taylor, Economist: It’s true. I’m also a Sex Machine—get it, pal?

John Taylor, Bassist: That’s a James Brown song, actually. Now please get out of my bed.

POTUS: Gentlemen, I’m scrapping the Federal Reserve and replacing it with a new romantic band. I need someone to play bass.

John Taylor, Bassist: Oh, just give it to the other John Taylor already. He’ll probably do a better job than me, anyways.

John Taylor, Economist: Don’t talk like that, John! I know I like to show you up, but you’ve got some real talent. You deserve this.

John Taylor, Bassist: (Tearing up) Do you really mean that, J.T.?

John Taylor, Economist: Of course, buddy. Besides, I’ve already agreed to be the frontman.