Everyone you know just died in a horrible fire. That’s okay. Here to get you through it is your Judeo-Christian Best Friend.

Your Judeo-Christian likes long walks on the beach and communion wafers. He goes to Church on Christmas, as well as every day besides that. His favorite book is your Bible. He exercises by praying. You don’t remember how you met your Judeo-Christian Best Friend, but he does.

Your Judeo-Christian Best Friend identifies as a Protestant Catholic. He claims to speak Hebrew, yet only a dialect that sounds just like English. Mountains are important to him. So is kindness. Your Judeo-Christian Best Friend isn’t Jesus, but if he were, he’d keep it a secret.

The only places your Judeo-Christian Best Friend has been to are Bethlehem and your hometown. All of your Judeo-Christian Best Friend’s clothes are hand-woven at his cottage. All of your Judeo-Christian Best Friend’s clothes also all have tags from The Gap. 

Your Judeo-Christian Best Friend can turn water into wine, though that doesn’t matter to him because he’s already drunk on life. Your Judeo-Christian Best Friend likes to read the Book of Job. That’s his name for the newspaper’s classifieds. His friends are God’s children. Mainly the grown-up ones. There’s a secret Eleventh Commandment that only your Judeo-Christian Best Friend knows. It’s to follow the first Ten Commandments.

In the evenings, your Judeo-Christian Best Friend turns out the light and tries to tuck you in. He has trouble doing this because it’s hard for him to see in the dark. Sometimes, you cry, and your Judeo-Christian Best Friend dries your tears by blowing on them. When he blows, he whistles due to what his doctors call a genetic irregularity. Your Judeo-Christian Best Friend prefers to call it a miracle.

On Saturday, November 3rd, Sarah Mulroney and Torgon, Titan of Death, were married at the Hotel Kansas City in Kansas City. A reception was held in the Underworld.

The bride, 34, is a veterinarian in Kansas City. She attended Fordham for her undergraduate degree and Purdue for her DVM. She is the daughter of Frank and Sheryl Mulroney of Leawood.

The groom, ageless, intercepts damned souls on their journey to Hell and eats them. This is a fate far worse than anything Satan is capable of. He did not attend college, but he knows all. He has claimed your soul, and for every moment you spend thinking about what this means, he will remove a month from your life.

The couple met in 2023 while walking their dogs in Penn Valley Park. They were married by Torgon’s close friend Klebenschnecht, Torturer of Angels.

The door-in-the-face technique is a persuasion strategy in which one makes a big request expecting it to be denied, and then follows it up with the smaller request that they actually wanted all along.

Me: Miranda, you stir something in my heart that no other woman ever has. Will you marry me?

Miranda: Are you insane? For god’s sake, I’m your brother’s wife!

Me: That’s cool. Can you pass the salt?

My Brother: We’re not just going to move past that, man. What the hell are you thinking?

Me: Sorry dude. Mind jacking me off real quick?

My Brother: Egh—what?!

Me: It’s okay if you don’t want to. Just forgive me instead.

Fuck, no, that’s definitely cyanide.